Virginia Bell Astrologer

"Responsibility"

“If you are to be, you must begin by assuming responsibility. You alone are responsible for every moment of your life, for every one of your acts.” –Antoine De Saint-Exuery

The concept of responsibility is not sexy or glamorous. It has none of the drama of a crisis or the intensity of the shadow. Nor does it possess the grace and generosity of forgiveness. It’s like the planet Saturn; deeply serious, sobering, and most of all damn hard work. Think of it as a house; it’s not the elegant living room with its sweeping views, the fabulous bedroom, or marble bathroom with Jacuzzi. It’s the bricks and mortar, the foundation; the invisible structure which everything else rests on. Without that foundation a house (or a life) is on very shaky ground. 

“Take your life in your hands, and what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame.”   –Erica Jong

Not taking responsibility and blaming others (our parents, our partner, the government, chocolate, dairy, or drinking, etc.) renders us totally powerless. Even worse; whatever we refuse to confront becomes more firmly attached and spreads like a virus to every part of our life. We’ve all seen public figures (from presidents to pop stars) defending (sometimes quick vehemently) inappropriate actions that then become part of their persona. The good news is that if we’re responsible; if we’ve created (or contributed to) a situation then we can also change it. And that is where the real power is.

Years ago I had a therapist, a lovely woman named Elizabeth who wasn’t much older than I was but very wise. I had just broken up with this guy and I was complaining about the negative things he said about me which were soooo not true. She said, “What if he wasn’t 100% right? What if he was 50% or 10 % or only 2%? Wouldn’t you want to know about it so you could change your behavior?” It was one of those light-bulb moments that Oprah talks about. Yes, I could see that although he wasn’t totally right, he also wasn’t totally wrong; there was truth in what he said. Defending my behavior kept me stuck and in the dark. Taking responsibility for it was empowering; it gave me the freedom to change.

Are we responsible for everything that happens to us? Absolutely not but it can’t hurt to look at our participation, because let’s face it, we usually have our hand in it. As they say on CSI; “Just follow the evidence.” Or as Stewart Emory used to point out in Actualizations (a popular workshop during the 1970’s and 1980) “A victim is an accomplice to an aggressive crime.” I remember during one workshop when a woman was complaining how people kept disappointing her. His response was: “How did you get them to do that to you again?” Harsh, yes, but that woman was finally able to recognize a pattern which allowed her to behave differently.  

"You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself." — Jim Rohn

Whether or not we created something we are ultimately responsible for how we respond - response-ability, as Steven Covey points out in his excellent book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. In it he tells the story of psychiatrist Viktor Frankle whose wife, parents, and brother all died in the death camps. He, too, was imprisoned, tortured, and subjected to the same indignities as the others yet he survived. How? He decided that although his Nazi captors controlled his environment he could decide how it was going to affect him.

“He exercised his small, embryonic freedom until it grew larger and larger, until he had more freedom than his Nazi captors. They had more liberty, more options to choose from in their environment; but he has more freedom, more internal power to exercise his options. He became an inspiration to those around him, even to some of the guards. He helped others find meaning in their suffering and dignity in their prison existence.”

Another terrific book is Ultimate Power, by Tony Robbins. There’s a chapter in it called The Seven Lies of Success and it’s worth buying the book for this chapter alone. Belief #3 is: Whatever happens, take responsibility. “Achievers tend to believe that no matter what happens, whether it’s good or bad, they created it. If they didn’t cause it by their physical actions, maybe they did by the level and tenor of their thoughts. Now I don’t know if it’s true. No scientist can prove that our thoughts create our reality. But it’s a useful lie. It’s an empowering belief.”

“Success on any major scale requires you to accept responsibility…In the final analysis, the one quality that all successful people have is the ability to take responsibility.”  – Michael Korda

I cannot think of a more important quality to possess in life. Perhaps that’s why AA and the Recovery Movement have been so successful in helping people transform their lives; there is such an emphasis on telling the truth, taking inventory, and making amends. Perhaps it all comes down to being a mensch; that’s Yiddish for the kind of person who is decent, solid, and trustworthy; someone who always does what’s right, never what’s easy.

“It matters immensely. The slightest sound matters. The most momentary rhythm matters. You can do as you please, yet everything matters.” –Wallace Stevens

Copyright Virginia Bell 2009

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